When I first met my Master, even before that, I knew that certain subjects or activities were off limits or "taboo" for me. Toilet fun or pissing for Him as I now refer to it, was one of those. While reading Persephone's blog (http://obedientpersephone.blogspot.com/2007/09/scary.html) it got me thinking back.
My thoughts have since changed on the subject (apparent by me referring to it as pissing for Him - an affectionate term).
Doing something like this was extremely difficult for me. I was brought up in a household where being a lady was very much enforced, and it was just implied that having someone watch or even listen was not appropriate. This is why, I think, it was such a big thing for me to overcome.
As I said in my comment on Persephone's blog, it is easier starting with letting Him listen while you are on the phone together. I think it's easier, because you don't have to see or hear their reaction to what you're doing.
The first time He watched me, we were in a motel and needless to say (being the first time) I did not initiate it. I had always enjoyed pissing in the shower, there's just something refreshing about it (well I think so anyway). So when He wanted to watch, I knew my feeling of being uncomfortable would be somewhat eased if I wasn't sitting on the toilet, but in familiar settings (even though it wasn't my bathroom). It wasn't as easy as I hoped it would be. I found it extremely difficult, but managed ok (I think). The humiliation of it was well...humiliating. At the time, I was just barely turned on by the fact that He was watching me do something so private. In theory, I loved the idea and it turned me on immensely. But as is always the case, everything is always better in theory.
Since then, He has watched me a few times while I've been on the toilet. We've been having a conversation during those times, and that makes it easier. It's funny how the mind works, but knowing (or perhaps hoping) that He was concentrating more on what I was saying, rather than what I was doing helped me relax a bit. It's almost like when you were in highschool and you were keeping eye-contact with your teacher while passing notes to your friends. You both know what you're doing, but you hope that the other person doesn't pay that much attention.
After this happening a few times and him also listening to me, it has become a lot easier. I no longer shut the door when I go to the toilet, and this in itself is a huge step for me, let alone anything more.
Ever since we started discussing the idea of me pissing for Him, I knew it was going to be difficult. But I also knew that I wanted it, and I wanted to get to a point where I was comfortable enough to initiate it. This I managed to do during our last visit.
I knew earlier on in the day that I wanted to show Him what a good girl I could be by pissing for Him. Because I'd never initiated it, I knew He wouldn't expect it, but hoped He'd enjoy that. I'm a big water drinker anyway, so it wasn't that out of the ordinary for me to be drinking as much as I was on this particular day. I wanted my bladder to be as full as it could be and for me to be at a point where I couldn't hold on any longer. Thus, ensuring I couldn't back out, but more importantly that it went on for longer, meaning He would enjoy it more.
We were laying down on the mattress and both of us had been masturbating for awhile. I could feel that I was getting close to the point where I wouldn't be able to hold on, but I wanted to wait until I was absolutely sure that I couldn't hold out. When this moment came, I stopped playing and whispered in His ear that I wanted Him to watch me piss for Him. Because I was so close I couldn't see His facial expression, but He later told me that He was surprised but in a good way.
I went into the bathroom and prepared. I was ready, all I had to do was get the water temperature right in the shower. (I still can't bring myself to piss without the water running). He sat down on the bath mat, as I sat on one end of the bathtub. I spread my legs, put both my feet on the outside edges of the tub, and held my cunt open for Him to see. I started pissing for Him without any worries this time around.
He was at eye height with my cunt and most of the time I was watching His reaction as He continued jerking. Occasionally I would look down and watch myself pissing for Him, and then back to His expression.
It was so wonderful to share something so personal with Him, but I was also so proud of myself that I had overcome my initial 'fears' of having Him watch me. I was proud that I pissed for Him, but even more proud that He didn't have to ask me, that I asked Him to watch. He was also proud of the achievement of His good girl.
Just thinking about that makes me feel so wonderful and loved. It's certainly going to be a memory that I'll never forget, and one that I'm going to be replaying for quite some time to come.
So, needless to say...this submissive slut will be initiating toilet fun more often! And definitely looking forward to Him taking photo's and video's of me pissing for Him in the future.
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