Ch...Ch...Ch...Changes

I have been working on this post for months now, but haven’t been satisfied enough with what I’ve written to publish it. My mind races with a million different thoughts that lead me down a million different paths, and that’s just one reason why this is so difficult. It’s hard to share what’s going on, when I’m still adjusting to it and working it out for myself.

It has been almost two years since I became sick and started losing weight. Almost two years that have been full of tears, determination, fears, sweat, uncertainty, self-doubt, pain, joy, happiness, adjustment and so much more. I am not the same person I was then. I couldn’t be with all the changes and everything that has happened.

As I write this, my total weight loss is 32kg (70.5lbs). I’ve lost 5 dress sizes and goodness only knows how many inches. These aren’t the only things I’ve lost; I’ve also lost my self-identity, self-consciousness, countless outfits that I adored and many other things. However, there are many things that I have gained over this time as well. A new self-identity, self-confidence that I have never known before, the freedom to walk into any clothing store and not having to worry about whether anything will fit me, and last but not least my health and knowing that I’ve added many more years to my life.

There are not enough words or enough space on my blog to explain all the ways I’ve changed (and no doubt you would be bored if I listed them all). However, I can share with you what all this has done for me. As clichéd as it sounds, this has been a big, long, eye-opening and extremely personal journey. I’ve done a lot of soul searching, a lot of thinking, and a mass of writing during this time. I’ve learnt and realised so much more about myself that I thought I would, and I’m better for it. I know myself, my emotions (and the reasons behind these) better than I ever have before. I believe I am a better me for going through this, because I have discovered the real and true me. I’m still adjusting to everything and probably will be for some time to come. After all, I haven’t reached my goal weight yet, but I am close.

Putting aside the obvious health benefits, the best part of this journey is how I now feel about myself. I never thought that I would be satisfied or content with being me. And many years ago I gave up on being the person I wanted to be. I had (grudgingly) accepted that I would always be fat and that that was just something I had to live with. How I feel about myself now, is something I only ever dreamed about, but never thought I would actually experience. For the very first time in my life, I can honestly say that I am truly happy with being who I am, with being me.

I am not perfect now that I’ve lost weight, and I never will be (but perfection is not my goal). I still have lessons to learn, and improvements to make and that’s okay. Just like it’s okay that there are physical aspects to my body that I would like to improve. However, if (for whatever reason) my body had to say the way it is right now, I would be content, I would be satisfied, but most of all I would be happy. I would be lying if I said that I found this easy. I haven’t. But to come out at the other end of this, knowing I’m a better (and healthier) version of me, is and has been worth it.

And it’s such a great feeling to finally feel sexy naked.

Women, do you agree?

We are women.
We are beautiful. (I am beautiful, so are you).
We have curves.

I am talking about bigger women. (I will not use the "F" word).
I love my bigger body size, I do not want to model a praying mantis.

Yes we are different to other women...but all women are different to one another.

When the general population is larger...why is it that we are still feeling the pressure to be (unnaturally) thin?

It has taken me years to be able to say that I love my body, and who I am.

I love my curves, my larger hips and my big boobs. I love my bum! I love that I feel sexy in my own skin. I love to look at myself in the mirror (and the view is getting better everyday). I love to run my hands over my body, feeling my curves, embracing them. I am a big women. I will never be petite. And I don't care. I want to be bigger. I want to have big boobs and womanly hips.

I am not shy. I love to show off. I love low cut tips that accentuate my assets. I love to wear short skirts that show off my bum. I know I'm sexy. I know that I get looked at when I go out (wearing normal clothes eg. jeans and shirt). I know men check me out, I see them doing it. And I'm not the only one they look at. I see men checking out bigger women, watching their arse wobble a little as they walk. Watching their fuller frames as they saunter through the shopping centre. Zeroing in on their breasts, bouncing as they stroll along.

Big women are beautiful.
Big women are sexy.
Big women are checked out.
Big women are picked up.
Big women are having sex.
Big women are having wild sex.
Big women are being proposed to.
Big women are married.
Big women are wanted.
Big women are needed.
Big women are loved.