Ch...Ch...Ch...Changes

I have been working on this post for months now, but haven’t been satisfied enough with what I’ve written to publish it. My mind races with a million different thoughts that lead me down a million different paths, and that’s just one reason why this is so difficult. It’s hard to share what’s going on, when I’m still adjusting to it and working it out for myself.

It has been almost two years since I became sick and started losing weight. Almost two years that have been full of tears, determination, fears, sweat, uncertainty, self-doubt, pain, joy, happiness, adjustment and so much more. I am not the same person I was then. I couldn’t be with all the changes and everything that has happened.

As I write this, my total weight loss is 32kg (70.5lbs). I’ve lost 5 dress sizes and goodness only knows how many inches. These aren’t the only things I’ve lost; I’ve also lost my self-identity, self-consciousness, countless outfits that I adored and many other things. However, there are many things that I have gained over this time as well. A new self-identity, self-confidence that I have never known before, the freedom to walk into any clothing store and not having to worry about whether anything will fit me, and last but not least my health and knowing that I’ve added many more years to my life.

There are not enough words or enough space on my blog to explain all the ways I’ve changed (and no doubt you would be bored if I listed them all). However, I can share with you what all this has done for me. As clichéd as it sounds, this has been a big, long, eye-opening and extremely personal journey. I’ve done a lot of soul searching, a lot of thinking, and a mass of writing during this time. I’ve learnt and realised so much more about myself that I thought I would, and I’m better for it. I know myself, my emotions (and the reasons behind these) better than I ever have before. I believe I am a better me for going through this, because I have discovered the real and true me. I’m still adjusting to everything and probably will be for some time to come. After all, I haven’t reached my goal weight yet, but I am close.

Putting aside the obvious health benefits, the best part of this journey is how I now feel about myself. I never thought that I would be satisfied or content with being me. And many years ago I gave up on being the person I wanted to be. I had (grudgingly) accepted that I would always be fat and that that was just something I had to live with. How I feel about myself now, is something I only ever dreamed about, but never thought I would actually experience. For the very first time in my life, I can honestly say that I am truly happy with being who I am, with being me.

I am not perfect now that I’ve lost weight, and I never will be (but perfection is not my goal). I still have lessons to learn, and improvements to make and that’s okay. Just like it’s okay that there are physical aspects to my body that I would like to improve. However, if (for whatever reason) my body had to say the way it is right now, I would be content, I would be satisfied, but most of all I would be happy. I would be lying if I said that I found this easy. I haven’t. But to come out at the other end of this, knowing I’m a better (and healthier) version of me, is and has been worth it.

And it’s such a great feeling to finally feel sexy naked.

In sickness and in health...

I know it's been a little while since I've updated (it happens). We've been sick again (or is that still?). Life has been pretty shitty of late with both of us feeling unwell and on medication. I've been (a bit of) a bitch to live with (hormones...need I say more?) and I don't care what anyone says, when you're sick, you get grumpy. And when you're sick on and off for as long as I have been, you really do get the shits. If it's not one thing, it's another. And you get sad. You just want one day where you feel half decent. That day was today (for me, not him), but the weather here is glum and that's not really helping me feel better. And when he's not feeling good, it sucks. I hate that I can't help in any way (just as he hates it when he can't help me feel better).

On a slightly different (but not-so-different) note, I'm getting healthier. Yeah, I know that sounds strange given the rant I've just had on being sick, but I am. For health reasons, I need to lose weight. This is coming along nicely, and I'm pleased that I am starting to fit into old clothes of mine that have been too tight (for too long). I'm starting to look better and feel better (both physically and mentally).

I went shopping the other night, and was (extremely) pleased that for the first time, in god knows how long, I didn't have to go to the "big gals" section of clothing or underwear! And I now weigh less than what I did when I graduated from high school (big achievement, and the first weight-loss goal of mine).

So far, I've managed to lose (read: get rid of) 13.5kg (or 29.76lbs). It hasn't been easy at times, and I still eat crap (i.e. chocolate, chips etc), only now I eat less of it and know when I've had enough. Previously, I've heard people say "Nothing tastes as good as being healthy/skinny feels" and when I heard that I just thought "What a load of fucking shit! You can't tell me that it feels THAT good!". Well I can tell you it certainly does. And I honestly never thought that I would agree with them (how times have changed).

Now, apart from knowing I'm healthier, I'm going to live longer and I'm feeling better....what's the best part about my weight loss?

My confidence boost for sure. There really is nothing like losing weight (especially when it needs to be done) to give my ego a little kick in the right direction. I now walk down the street with a spring in my step. I no longer walk along looking at my feet, avoiding eye contact with people. I walk tall and proud, I make eye contact and I smile (that smile that He loves) and I know that I look good. (See...told you my ego's been given a boost. But not in a look-at-me/give-me-all-your-attention kinda way).

I'm not skinny, I'm still curvy and voluptuous. I know there are plenty of other women out there that have better figures than me, and are prettier than me. But you know what? I don't really care. Why? Because there always will be. I am not delusional in thinking I am the bees knees. I am not perfect and never will be perfect. However, I'm on my way to reaching my goals. I'm doing this for me and me alone. Sure it's great that I'm now better looking to Him (even though He's always loved me just the way I am). But ultimately, this is something I need to do for me.

I just can't wait until we're both feeling better so we can take advantage of my weight loss and have some awesome fun in the bedroom!