Questions Questions Questions

These questions were asked of me by Thursday's Child some time ago, and now I'm finally answering them :-)

What sorts of new experiences are you wanting to try over the next year that you've never tried before?

I’ll be honest; this is the most difficult question to answer. I’m not someone who specifically sets out certain things or experiences I want to do, at least not in the short term. So my best answer for this comes in two parts: a) reaching my goal weight and experiencing what that feels like; and b) getting my clit hood pierced. Both of these I’m planning on having done/completed by the end of this year. It’s been over two and a half years since I’ve had anything pierced (my nipples) and I’m getting that need/itch again, so I’ve decided that this year it is :-) I would like to also get my inner labia pierced at some point, and have been contemplating that for this year as well, but we’ll see.

What are five achievements that you are especially proud of?

Graduating from High school

Being accepted into University

Changing my life to improve my health, and losing the weight that I have (and I’ll be even more proud when I reach my goal weight)

Caring for a very close relative of mine when they were terminally ill. Although not an achievement as such, it’s an experience that has forever changed the person I am and I’m proud to have done what I did.

And because I’ve spent enough time between when I was asked these questions to actually posting the answers, and I can’t think of a fifth, I’m going to leave it at four.

What do you wear to bed? Is it different from what you actually sleep in?

After I shower I feel relaxed and like to keep it that way. I’ll answer this in two parts: summer and winter.

During the warmer months, I wear as little as possible. Most likely it’s a t-shirt or singlet, generally without anything underneath. As for the bottom half, it depends a lot on what mood I’m in. Sometimes it’s just knickers, while other nights it’s either shorts or a skirt (more often than not, it’s without knickers). As for what I sleep in: knickers only. I’ve grown accustomed to sleeping topless and on the rare occasions that I don’t, I’ll most likely be wearing a hugging singlet because I don’t like too much movement with my clothes as I move a lot while sleeping.

During the cooler months I wear what keeps me warm, which is generally my flannel pj’s without anything underneath. I’m not a big fan of having my feet covered, so unless I really have to I don’t put socks or slippers on. As for what I actually sleep in, it’s not all that different from when it’s warmer. With standard blankets and an electric blanket as another option, I’ll always opt for purely just my knickers, or nothing. On very, very rare occasions I’ll wear socks to bed. However, I can pretty much guarantee that by morning they won’t be on my feet.

Where are five places in the world that you want to visit before you die?

Egypt: I would love to see the pyramids up close and not just on TV.

USA: And if I make it there, I must go to Dolly Parton’s Theme Park.

Europe: in winter to see the beautiful countryside and snow.

Ireland: some of my ancestors were from here.

England: specifically London.

What was the last really bad movie you saw?

This was an easy question to answer, if not the easiest. District 9. We hired it on DVD and I left Him to watch it by Himself. Very rarely will I start watching a movie and refuse to continue to the end. Even if I’m not particularly enjoying it, I’m generally curious enough to watch just to see how everything all plays out. With this one though, I just couldn’t. I wasn’t curious enough (and didn’t care) because it didn’t spark my interest. Surprisingly though, it was a movie that I was looking forward to seeing. I thought I would like it, but just didn’t.

Even though this isn’t part of the question, I thought I would share some of the movies that I’ve seen recently that I really enjoyed: The Lovely Bones, Hot Tub Time Machine, Kiss Ass, and Charlie & Boots (these aren't in best to worst order, just random).

Ch...Ch...Ch...Changes

I have been working on this post for months now, but haven’t been satisfied enough with what I’ve written to publish it. My mind races with a million different thoughts that lead me down a million different paths, and that’s just one reason why this is so difficult. It’s hard to share what’s going on, when I’m still adjusting to it and working it out for myself.

It has been almost two years since I became sick and started losing weight. Almost two years that have been full of tears, determination, fears, sweat, uncertainty, self-doubt, pain, joy, happiness, adjustment and so much more. I am not the same person I was then. I couldn’t be with all the changes and everything that has happened.

As I write this, my total weight loss is 32kg (70.5lbs). I’ve lost 5 dress sizes and goodness only knows how many inches. These aren’t the only things I’ve lost; I’ve also lost my self-identity, self-consciousness, countless outfits that I adored and many other things. However, there are many things that I have gained over this time as well. A new self-identity, self-confidence that I have never known before, the freedom to walk into any clothing store and not having to worry about whether anything will fit me, and last but not least my health and knowing that I’ve added many more years to my life.

There are not enough words or enough space on my blog to explain all the ways I’ve changed (and no doubt you would be bored if I listed them all). However, I can share with you what all this has done for me. As clichéd as it sounds, this has been a big, long, eye-opening and extremely personal journey. I’ve done a lot of soul searching, a lot of thinking, and a mass of writing during this time. I’ve learnt and realised so much more about myself that I thought I would, and I’m better for it. I know myself, my emotions (and the reasons behind these) better than I ever have before. I believe I am a better me for going through this, because I have discovered the real and true me. I’m still adjusting to everything and probably will be for some time to come. After all, I haven’t reached my goal weight yet, but I am close.

Putting aside the obvious health benefits, the best part of this journey is how I now feel about myself. I never thought that I would be satisfied or content with being me. And many years ago I gave up on being the person I wanted to be. I had (grudgingly) accepted that I would always be fat and that that was just something I had to live with. How I feel about myself now, is something I only ever dreamed about, but never thought I would actually experience. For the very first time in my life, I can honestly say that I am truly happy with being who I am, with being me.

I am not perfect now that I’ve lost weight, and I never will be (but perfection is not my goal). I still have lessons to learn, and improvements to make and that’s okay. Just like it’s okay that there are physical aspects to my body that I would like to improve. However, if (for whatever reason) my body had to say the way it is right now, I would be content, I would be satisfied, but most of all I would be happy. I would be lying if I said that I found this easy. I haven’t. But to come out at the other end of this, knowing I’m a better (and healthier) version of me, is and has been worth it.

And it’s such a great feeling to finally feel sexy naked.

Mini goals of 2008

There have been certain points during my weight loss that I consider to be mini goals. These are personal goals. But these are different from my goals of weighing a certain amount. I’m sure there are some that I’m not even aware of, but these are the ones I am.

- Fitting into a pair of denim shorts that I couldn’t wear because they were too tight (even better that when I thought to try them on, they didn’t just fit, they were considerably loose).

- Fitting into a funky & long denim skirt that had long since been too small because of my chunky thighs. After wearing it for the last time (comfortably) about 6 or 7 years ago, managing to get it over my thighs was more than a joyous occasion.

- Trying on a very nice top of mine that I hadn’t even worn in public, and realising I was swimming in it. This was a sad moment for me.

- Trying on yet another top (night-wear, black & flow-y with rhinestones and cleavage friendly) and desperately realising that never again would I wear this top I loved so much. A top that I couldn’t salvage by taking it in because it was just too damn big on me. This was more of a loss than the previous one. Seriously, it’s hot, and I can’t wear it any more! It’s still hanging in my wardrobe. As is the one previously mentioned.

- Buying a denim mini skirt (or a mini-skirt of any sort for that matter) that fit me and I looked good in. This is my favourite piece of clothing.

- Pulling up at a set of lights and looking down at my feet, noticing how much smaller my thighs were.

- Going back home for Christmas and trying on my semi-formal dresses (15yrs) and my formal (prom) outfit (17yrs) (top and skirt) was another one of these moments. My first semi-formal dress (with tags still attached) I slipped on, looked in the mirror and just beamed. It’s not the nicest of dresses, but this was the one I first chose and then went with another because a) it was a nicer colour and b) it hid my fat better. I looked at the size tag and my jaw dropped in shock. “Was I really that big at 15?” A smile for where I am today, and an ache in my heart for where I was then. A smile for the person I am today, and that ache for who I was then.

- My second semi-formal dress, although as nice as the day I bought it, I was disappointed that it hid my shape. (Yeah go figure, back then it did just what I wanted it to, now…not so much). Although maybe this one I could get taken in.

- My formal outfit was next. It wasn’t until I got my professional photo’s back after formal that I realised (but stuck my head in the sand about) how unflattering it made me look. The photos were taken and my top had bunched up under my boobs, and as any big girl knows, this is not a flattering look. My mum even said (when she first saw the photos) “Oh he (the photographer) should have noticed that and told you to fix it up”. (I love my mum, and I never took this as an insult or anything like that, I still don’t. I understand wholly what she meant when she said it). I buried my head in the sand thinking “yeah he should have” while looking at every other part of the photo and then looking away. “If it wasn’t for that part, I’d look beautiful” was my line of thinking. Anyway, 5yrs down the track, I look at the size tag, surprised it’s the same size I am now (even though I’m 7kg lighter now) and I try it on. The first thing I look at is my boobs. “Holy shit have they shrunk!” (smiles) Next my torso area. “Hang on, it’s loose around there. I distinctly remember having to hold my stomach muscles in when I sat down, but now I don’t have to”. Next was how pretty it was, well it still is. Only been worn once. It really is a lovely outfit. Pretty mauve colour, chiffon on the outside. Ahh…the memories :-)

- And that brings me to my latest mini goal. Tonight I was in the bathroom getting changed when I looked in the mirror at my torso. “No fucking way! There is no fucking way! I must be seeing things. I have to be!” Switch on the light. Fluorescent public changing room light, my long-time foe, we meet again. I looked closer, hoping and wishing that I wasn’t just seeing things; and for once my enemy would do me good not harm. For tonight, I, for the first time ever (that I can remember) have a torso line! (Can I hear the applause?) I. Have. A. Torso. Line. I (casually) raced out to the lounge room where he was watching TV and stood there until he looked at me (not that long, thank goodness) and said “Check this out!” as I pointed and explained. He looked, smiled and congratulated me. He didn’t say it, but I’m pretty sure I could see pride in his eyes.