Saturday, September 15, 2007

Because it's what I need and what I crave.

Why is it that I’m submissive? This is a question that I’ve been asking myself for a little while now. Maybe it comes down to the fact that I’m just a little girl on the inside who wants to be taken care of. Maybe it’s because I want to let go of some control in one part of my life and let someone else make the decisions for me. Maybe I’m submissive because I put others first and this is just an extension of that.

All I know is that I love it. I love being told what to do, I love pleasing Him. I love knowing that me being pleased is not a top priority. I love that I have a job, and that job is me submitting to Him, and everything that comes with it.

I find it difficult to request what I want when it comes to being intimate. Perhaps that’s just because He’s my first and only partner (and He’s more experienced) or perhaps that’s just who I am.

I love that He takes control and tells me what to wear (or what not to wear), when I can and can’t masturbate, when I can and can’t orgasm.

I came across an interesting point on Persephone’s blog where her owners stated that she was thinking of her orgasm as being for her. They corrected her and stated that it wasn’t for her and that nothing of her body is for her. “You feel the benefits of it, but it’s not for you”. This struck a chord with me, which rang so true. I know that the orgasm’s I have are because of Him allowing me to have them, but I always thought that it’s because He wants me to be pleased and obtain what I need. I’m sure this is true, but when looking at it from the other perspective, they aren’t for me. My orgasm’s are essentially for Him, after all, He’s the one that is either allowing or denying them. And although I’m receiving the specific pleasure from them, it’s the pleasure that he’s receiving by me having an orgasm that is most important.

Of late, I’ve been asking Him to tell me when to orgasm. I’ve felt it coming, but being a masturbation addict I drag it out longer and tease myself. A few times over the years He’s told me that He’s going to count down and that I was to orgasm when He reached a certain number. I wasn’t as trained as I am now, and I couldn’t manage to orgasm from His command. Back then my thoughts were “well, I know this is what I’m supposed to do, but I can’t. I can’t orgasm on command, and it really doesn’t matter if I do or not, He won’t be upset, He’ll understand”.

My headspace has changed from when I thought this. I know now that it’s really not about me. It’s not about me deserving to have an orgasm or even earning the privilege to have one. It’s about Him. It’s about what He wants, and what He wants to see.

So, as I said, lately I’ve been asking Him to command me to orgasm. It has been working, and it’s been working because I know commanding me isn’t for my benefit, and neither is my orgasm. He is in control of me, He knows what I need, but more importantly, it’s what He needs.
I must state here that when He commands me it’s not at a random time. It’s not while I’m washing up or reading or at any other non-sexual moment like these. I am commanded when I have been masturbating and He knows that I’m getting there. It just pushes me to that edge that normally I would hold out for, teasing myself for longer.

I obviously enjoy having an orgasm, but it’s more than that when He commands me. It’s another way of me submitting to Him and showing Him just how much I love Him and how much I love Him having control over me. It’s giving up that power, giving up a part of me, but letting Him have it instead.

I enjoy my orgasms more when I know He wants them, and they are better because when I have them, they happen at the exact moment He wants them to.


So why is that I'm submissive? Because it's what I need and what I crave.

Thursday, September 13, 2007

Toilet Fun

When I first met my Master, even before that, I knew that certain subjects or activities were off limits or "taboo" for me. Toilet fun or pissing for Him as I now refer to it, was one of those. While reading Persephone's blog (http://obedientpersephone.blogspot.com/2007/09/scary.html) it got me thinking back.

My thoughts have since changed on the subject (apparent by me referring to it as pissing for Him - an affectionate term).

Doing something like this was extremely difficult for me. I was brought up in a household where being a lady was very much enforced, and it was just implied that having someone watch or even listen was not appropriate. This is why, I think, it was such a big thing for me to overcome.

As I said in my comment on Persephone's blog, it is easier starting with letting Him listen while you are on the phone together. I think it's easier, because you don't have to see or hear their reaction to what you're doing.

The first time He watched me, we were in a motel and needless to say (being the first time) I did not initiate it. I had always enjoyed pissing in the shower, there's just something refreshing about it (well I think so anyway). So when He wanted to watch, I knew my feeling of being uncomfortable would be somewhat eased if I wasn't sitting on the toilet, but in familiar settings (even though it wasn't my bathroom). It wasn't as easy as I hoped it would be. I found it extremely difficult, but managed ok (I think). The humiliation of it was well...humiliating. At the time, I was just barely turned on by the fact that He was watching me do something so private. In theory, I loved the idea and it turned me on immensely. But as is always the case, everything is always better in theory.

Since then, He has watched me a few times while I've been on the toilet. We've been having a conversation during those times, and that makes it easier. It's funny how the mind works, but knowing (or perhaps hoping) that He was concentrating more on what I was saying, rather than what I was doing helped me relax a bit. It's almost like when you were in highschool and you were keeping eye-contact with your teacher while passing notes to your friends. You both know what you're doing, but you hope that the other person doesn't pay that much attention.

After this happening a few times and him also listening to me, it has become a lot easier. I no longer shut the door when I go to the toilet, and this in itself is a huge step for me, let alone anything more.

Ever since we started discussing the idea of me pissing for Him, I knew it was going to be difficult. But I also knew that I wanted it, and I wanted to get to a point where I was comfortable enough to initiate it. This I managed to do during our last visit.

I knew earlier on in the day that I wanted to show Him what a good girl I could be by pissing for Him. Because I'd never initiated it, I knew He wouldn't expect it, but hoped He'd enjoy that. I'm a big water drinker anyway, so it wasn't that out of the ordinary for me to be drinking as much as I was on this particular day. I wanted my bladder to be as full as it could be and for me to be at a point where I couldn't hold on any longer. Thus, ensuring I couldn't back out, but more importantly that it went on for longer, meaning He would enjoy it more.

We were laying down on the mattress and both of us had been masturbating for awhile. I could feel that I was getting close to the point where I wouldn't be able to hold on, but I wanted to wait until I was absolutely sure that I couldn't hold out. When this moment came, I stopped playing and whispered in His ear that I wanted Him to watch me piss for Him. Because I was so close I couldn't see His facial expression, but He later told me that He was surprised but in a good way.

I went into the bathroom and prepared. I was ready, all I had to do was get the water temperature right in the shower. (I still can't bring myself to piss without the water running). He sat down on the bath mat, as I sat on one end of the bathtub. I spread my legs, put both my feet on the outside edges of the tub, and held my cunt open for Him to see. I started pissing for Him without any worries this time around.

He was at eye height with my cunt and most of the time I was watching His reaction as He continued jerking. Occasionally I would look down and watch myself pissing for Him, and then back to His expression.

It was so wonderful to share something so personal with Him, but I was also so proud of myself that I had overcome my initial 'fears' of having Him watch me. I was proud that I pissed for Him, but even more proud that He didn't have to ask me, that I asked Him to watch. He was also proud of the achievement of His good girl.

Just thinking about that makes me feel so wonderful and loved. It's certainly going to be a memory that I'll never forget, and one that I'm going to be replaying for quite some time to come.

So, needless to say...this submissive slut will be initiating toilet fun more often! And definitely looking forward to Him taking photo's and video's of me pissing for Him in the future.