Saturday, September 15, 2007

Because it's what I need and what I crave.

Why is it that I’m submissive? This is a question that I’ve been asking myself for a little while now. Maybe it comes down to the fact that I’m just a little girl on the inside who wants to be taken care of. Maybe it’s because I want to let go of some control in one part of my life and let someone else make the decisions for me. Maybe I’m submissive because I put others first and this is just an extension of that.

All I know is that I love it. I love being told what to do, I love pleasing Him. I love knowing that me being pleased is not a top priority. I love that I have a job, and that job is me submitting to Him, and everything that comes with it.

I find it difficult to request what I want when it comes to being intimate. Perhaps that’s just because He’s my first and only partner (and He’s more experienced) or perhaps that’s just who I am.

I love that He takes control and tells me what to wear (or what not to wear), when I can and can’t masturbate, when I can and can’t orgasm.

I came across an interesting point on Persephone’s blog where her owners stated that she was thinking of her orgasm as being for her. They corrected her and stated that it wasn’t for her and that nothing of her body is for her. “You feel the benefits of it, but it’s not for you”. This struck a chord with me, which rang so true. I know that the orgasm’s I have are because of Him allowing me to have them, but I always thought that it’s because He wants me to be pleased and obtain what I need. I’m sure this is true, but when looking at it from the other perspective, they aren’t for me. My orgasm’s are essentially for Him, after all, He’s the one that is either allowing or denying them. And although I’m receiving the specific pleasure from them, it’s the pleasure that he’s receiving by me having an orgasm that is most important.

Of late, I’ve been asking Him to tell me when to orgasm. I’ve felt it coming, but being a masturbation addict I drag it out longer and tease myself. A few times over the years He’s told me that He’s going to count down and that I was to orgasm when He reached a certain number. I wasn’t as trained as I am now, and I couldn’t manage to orgasm from His command. Back then my thoughts were “well, I know this is what I’m supposed to do, but I can’t. I can’t orgasm on command, and it really doesn’t matter if I do or not, He won’t be upset, He’ll understand”.

My headspace has changed from when I thought this. I know now that it’s really not about me. It’s not about me deserving to have an orgasm or even earning the privilege to have one. It’s about Him. It’s about what He wants, and what He wants to see.

So, as I said, lately I’ve been asking Him to command me to orgasm. It has been working, and it’s been working because I know commanding me isn’t for my benefit, and neither is my orgasm. He is in control of me, He knows what I need, but more importantly, it’s what He needs.
I must state here that when He commands me it’s not at a random time. It’s not while I’m washing up or reading or at any other non-sexual moment like these. I am commanded when I have been masturbating and He knows that I’m getting there. It just pushes me to that edge that normally I would hold out for, teasing myself for longer.

I obviously enjoy having an orgasm, but it’s more than that when He commands me. It’s another way of me submitting to Him and showing Him just how much I love Him and how much I love Him having control over me. It’s giving up that power, giving up a part of me, but letting Him have it instead.

I enjoy my orgasms more when I know He wants them, and they are better because when I have them, they happen at the exact moment He wants them to.


So why is that I'm submissive? Because it's what I need and what I crave.

2 comments:

  1. dearest lucy ... this is interesting -- you say that you have asked Him to command you. Isn't that actually a matter of you directing? i don't mean to burst your bubble but i just wish He'd command you w/o your asking or hinting.

    BUT, on the other hand, if it works for you and for Him, hurrah! *S* i'm a nuance person -- seriously idiosyncratic and hung-up, so please forgive me. *S*

    i have been under strict orgasm control for 3 1/2 years now. Like you, i was a junkie and up until the new rules once acquired by my Master, climaxing maybe 8 - 10 times a day. *S* Things are much better now. i'm into intensity. (wink)\

    i really love the first part of this post in particular -- you hit things head on.

    Kind regards!
    s2bh.
    www.dungeon-love.com

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  2. slave2bholed,
    to a certain extent it is me directing Him, but only because we are somewhat new at the D/s dynamics of a relationship. And it's difficult when we're living in separate towns and have to make do with phone sex. For Him to know what I need when all He can go from is what I'm saying and how I'm saying it is difficult. Which is why when I need things, being in this kind of a relationship (long-distance), I have to voice those needs until He knows later when I need them.

    Now though, I don't ask Him to command me to orgasm. He knows when I need it, and that was the point all along. That for a certain amount of time I'd let Him know when I needed it, but then He would work that out and in future I wouldn't have to tell Him. Which is what has happened.

    I'm so lucky to have someone that I can completely be me with, but even luckier because there are very few things that interest me that don't interest Him and vice versa. We are very well matched, and I can't help but think that this was meant to be.

    A cliche I know, but nonetheless, I feel this is true. Thank you for your comment, I like knowing that someone out there is reading what I write.

    Lucy xox

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