Ch...Ch...Ch...Changes

I have been working on this post for months now, but haven’t been satisfied enough with what I’ve written to publish it. My mind races with a million different thoughts that lead me down a million different paths, and that’s just one reason why this is so difficult. It’s hard to share what’s going on, when I’m still adjusting to it and working it out for myself.

It has been almost two years since I became sick and started losing weight. Almost two years that have been full of tears, determination, fears, sweat, uncertainty, self-doubt, pain, joy, happiness, adjustment and so much more. I am not the same person I was then. I couldn’t be with all the changes and everything that has happened.

As I write this, my total weight loss is 32kg (70.5lbs). I’ve lost 5 dress sizes and goodness only knows how many inches. These aren’t the only things I’ve lost; I’ve also lost my self-identity, self-consciousness, countless outfits that I adored and many other things. However, there are many things that I have gained over this time as well. A new self-identity, self-confidence that I have never known before, the freedom to walk into any clothing store and not having to worry about whether anything will fit me, and last but not least my health and knowing that I’ve added many more years to my life.

There are not enough words or enough space on my blog to explain all the ways I’ve changed (and no doubt you would be bored if I listed them all). However, I can share with you what all this has done for me. As clichéd as it sounds, this has been a big, long, eye-opening and extremely personal journey. I’ve done a lot of soul searching, a lot of thinking, and a mass of writing during this time. I’ve learnt and realised so much more about myself that I thought I would, and I’m better for it. I know myself, my emotions (and the reasons behind these) better than I ever have before. I believe I am a better me for going through this, because I have discovered the real and true me. I’m still adjusting to everything and probably will be for some time to come. After all, I haven’t reached my goal weight yet, but I am close.

Putting aside the obvious health benefits, the best part of this journey is how I now feel about myself. I never thought that I would be satisfied or content with being me. And many years ago I gave up on being the person I wanted to be. I had (grudgingly) accepted that I would always be fat and that that was just something I had to live with. How I feel about myself now, is something I only ever dreamed about, but never thought I would actually experience. For the very first time in my life, I can honestly say that I am truly happy with being who I am, with being me.

I am not perfect now that I’ve lost weight, and I never will be (but perfection is not my goal). I still have lessons to learn, and improvements to make and that’s okay. Just like it’s okay that there are physical aspects to my body that I would like to improve. However, if (for whatever reason) my body had to say the way it is right now, I would be content, I would be satisfied, but most of all I would be happy. I would be lying if I said that I found this easy. I haven’t. But to come out at the other end of this, knowing I’m a better (and healthier) version of me, is and has been worth it.

And it’s such a great feeling to finally feel sexy naked.

A Happier me

I’ve always been fat/plump/chubby. Whatever you want to call it, I’ve always been noticeably overweight. I remember back to first grade (5 turning 6yrs old) and she’s there. She’s part of my memories, my history, my past. We were the best of friends, and throughout our friendship she has always been the pretty, popular one. She was the pretty girl with blue eyes and blonde hair; I was her redheaded, chubby best friend. This, I’ve always been aware of. Long before I should have, I had body issues.

Looking back, given what I ate everyday (almost the same lunch for years on end), it really is no surprise that I was overweight. One such food was a particular brand of full fat cheese. This, I ate at least for breakfast & lunch and snacked on during the day for the majority of my life (including all my school years). This cheese I now turn down. Sometimes I get a craving for it, and then I think of the last time I ate it and how it didn’t taste as yummy as it once did. So I decide no to get some. I am very proud of myself for that.

When I started on this path of my life, I was pessimistic that it would be too hard and I wouldn’t be able to lose the weight. I was excited at the idea of changing my life, my health, and my (self-loathing) appearance. I was hopeful that I would succeed and make my life better. More than anything though, I was scared. I had reached a point where I knew things had to change, and that I had to change. And I was scared shitless that I would fail.

Being sick so badly and for so long was a blessing in disguise. It kick started my weight loss. Having glandular fever and gastroenteritis is no fun. Had I had a choice, I would have rather have not been sick and lost the weight slower. However, that’s the hand life dealt me, and I played on.

I’m surprised and still don’t really believe that I’ve lost 22kg (48.5lbs). I went clothes shopping with my mum the other day and immediately and subconsciously gravitated towards the fat section. I no longer fit into these clothes, but because for so long that’s all I could fit into, my legs take me there automatically.

22 kilograms! I understand that I’ve lost weight and my appearance has changed because of that, but the number + me losing that much just doesn’t compute. I look at photographs of me, even from a year ago, and I no longer see me. I know it’s me, but that’s who I WAS. I’m so different now. I am a new person. I am a new and improved version of me.

I no longer cringe when someone wants me in a photograph, and my smile is no longer fake. Perhaps I’ve become a little vain, but I think I’ve bloody well earned it after all the fat years I went through. I can now feel good about myself, because I am healthy and my appearance is more appealing (to me).

I have lost 4 to 5 dress sizes! Clothes shopping is no longer an issue for me. And clothes that I was wearing just a year ago are way too big. I put on a top the other day that I used to wear all the time. It now hangs off me. I mean, you wouldn’t even know I had a figure wearing this fucking tent thing.

As of yesterday, my BMI has significantly changed. I’m no longer classed as obese, now I’m just overweight. I simply cannot describe how good this feels. Those of you that are reading this that have experienced it will know what I’m talking about. And those of you out there that are on your way to experiencing it, I strongly encourage you to keep going. Take it from someone who’s there, it feels awesome & no one can take that away from you.

This morning I took my measurement. Inches have been lost since the last time, but I haven’t been diligent with keeping a record. Suppose I probably should have, but oh well what’s done is done. From taking these measurements, I now know I have one inch (yes, just one) to lose off my waist and I will officially have an hourglass figure. I’ve never really had a particular figure, other than fat, so it’s pretty exciting.

Endless possibilities; One choice

She sits patiently but anxiously waiting for him. A million thoughts race through her head at the possibilities. But she settles on just one thing she wants tonight.

She smiles to herself and thinks: "Please let me be on top".

Pondering my (pierced) navel

I've been doing a fair bit of thinking lately (which is not totally unusual for me at all) and my mind has wandered to couples living together. Years ago, when I was a teenager, I remember listening to adult conversations (both in real life and on tv and in movies) and how the women would always complain about how the man never put the toilet seat down. I sat on this (pun unintentional I swear), and thought about it for awhile. And I still think about it from time to time (as I have done recently). And the conclusion I've come to??

I'm not one of those women. Every time I think about it, I come back to the same thing....
Are you fucking serious??? This is minor. This is less than minor. And I always think: "why don't you put the seat up?" I mean, you never hear a man complaining to his mates over a beer about this do you?

Man 1: Mate, you know how's there's things that piss ya off about Debbie?
Man 2: Yeah... (takes a swig of beer)
Man 1: Well Carol...(sigh) she never puts the toilet seat up after she's finished! (takes a swig of beer)
Man 2: Oh yeah, Debbie doesn't either, wish she'd learn...hmmpf

Yeah right! But seriously, if this is all these women have to complain about, then I think they should think themselves lucky. I don't know, I just think this is stupid. In the grand scheme of things it doesn't mean anything that he doesn't put the seat down when he's finished. And he has just as much of a right to complain about you leaving it down after you're finished. What's good for the goose is good for the gander, I say.

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On a slightly different note, I've been smiling a fair bit lately, and this morning was no exception. I was at the Chiropractor's and as he was manipulating my muscles and sore joints he said "Now you'll let me know if I'm pushing too hard and hurting you, won't you?" I smiled (inside my head) and managed to say (without giggling) "Well, what with all the piercings and tattoo's*, I can't really complain can I?" While thinking to myself "You've got no idea what pain does to me!"


* My nose and ear piercings can easily be seen, so no explanation needed there. As for my navel and nipple piercings, well it's standard procedure to have x-rays done on your first visit. Coincidentally, this was also the first time since having my nipples pierced that I had to consider that they might be a problem. So what did Lucy do? Just before changing into the robe they make you wear I shyly (and quietly) said "I um..have my nipples pierced and can't take the rings out, is that going to be a problem?" Turns out no, and the same with the navel piercing. Mind you, they take the x-ray's and they're loaded onto the computer system immediately and shown to me. Imagine my shock (and embarrassment) at looking at my back x-ray and being able to see both my nipple rings and my cute navel ring. (Yeah, go on, laugh about it. I know you want to. It was only a couple of weeks ago, but I smile and laugh about now).